Parenting adult children during pandemic
Finding harmony at home
For parents finding themselves at home with adult children, the road can be bumpy, loud, emotional, and frustrating - especially if we unwittingly fall into old patterns of parent and child. Deliberately defining new relationships together can lead to new and exciting places, like adult relationships with our adult children. So - how do we navigate the new terrain?
I am living with my 22 year old daughter. She has always been independent and strong willed, but she is also respectful and kind. We have had many good conversations about how each of us needs to grow into our new roles. Yes, she is my kid, and I fall into that parental role by force of habit sometimes. And she falls back into the kid role sometimes (like bristling when I want to know when she will be home or if she wants dinner). But we have come up with some good ways to alert each other to when we are falling back into old patterns without triggering an emotional meltdown. For example, I have learned to say "I am making dinner, would you like some too?" instead of "dinner's ready". I had to hark back to my time of living with housemates, and act accordingly.
Naming the issues
First, it's about establishing our own needs and boundaries. Second, we operate from a place of knowing that we are coming from a place of love and respect. Third, we need to keep reminding ourselves (and each other) that these are NOT NORMAL times - we are in an unprecedented time, all under duress. So when my daughter gets sad and complains that she is 22 and living with her MOM, I just say "I am 57 and living with my KID". It doesn't change the reality but it changes the mood around it.
In our case, not only are we in pandemic, but she is also immune-compromised, and I am 57 - approaching high risk, even though I am healthy and don't have underlying conditions - but it means we are being even more careful than most. My son lives with roommates across town, but we want to see him - so we have to ask hard questions of him and each other - we continually reaffirm that we want to be in a CovidPod together, which calls for some amount of nosiness - also known as ground rules. The tricky part between parents and adult children is that sometimes that nosiness can trigger memories of parental control.
Ground rules may sound controlling or stodgy, but they are an important foundation for getting along. It comes down to both of us knowing and stating out loud our expectations of each other, and knowing and expressing our individual needs. For example, my daughter needs me to not take control of food buying and preparation. And I need to know when she is coming and going. This may sound simple, but let's take the example of my need to know what to expect regarding her whereabouts. As parent, I did not need to know anything about where she was going or who with when she was living on her own. But as 'roommate' and mother, I simply want to know if she is coming home or not, and if she is with friends, what are their social distancing philosophies. I do the same for her.
Identifying expectations
Your kid is home after living on their own. Are you aware of the old patterns you might fall into? Take some time to list your expectations - both the parents and the adult kids. As a parent, do you expect your adult kid to do their old chores without being asked? As an adult kid, do you expect to continue to get to behave as you did when you lived with your peers? Talk about it, know where you can compromise and where you can't. Seek help when you need it so you can work on what could be a great new relationship.
Adding to the chaos
Where we live here in Portland, Oregon, there is the added aspect of riots and protests. My daughter wants to attend rallies and open air demonstrations. I am ok with that as long as she is covid-safe, and I know where she is going and who her support person is (it's good to know if I am going to get a call from jail). Luckily she shares my concerns. But my close friend has her adult daughter at home and they have argued about the daughter attending rallies without letting her parents know. The parents felt is was a safety issue for their daughter that they should know about in advance, 'in case', as well as a covid risk for the whole family. Both are right.
So what happens when your ground rules are in conflict with each other? Are we all learning to compromise for the greater good? Or are we expecting as parents, "our house, our rules". And can we get past the traditional (at least by US standards) parent/child roles? This is where the work comes in. And it may feel like a lot of work when you are also working or going to school from home. It feels like that for everyone involved. Try to hold compassion and an open mind, while knowing your bottom lines. If bottom lines are in conflict, and it seems like there is no resolution, that is a good time to seek outside help!
Will we ever grow up?
Somewhere in each of us is still that kid we were (are). I think we all wonder if we can ever move from kid to equal in a parent/child relationship. Pandemic allows us to make some headway with this! Some of us just have been grown-ups for longer, and maybe we take it for granted. I know I have thought about what it would be like for me at 22 to move back in with my parents. Let yourself think about that, and imagine what you would have wanted from them were the tables turned.
Also, don't hesitate to share with your adult kids what you are going through. These times are a burden on us all, we all have to make compromises, and it's a good life lesson for the whole family. The key is to curb our judgement, and to know and respect our own and each others boundaries. Therein lies the hard work!